


Counting You Face Among the Living

by Miss_Neer



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Hidekane Week 2017, M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-09
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-31 06:21:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12676134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Neer/pseuds/Miss_Neer
Summary: You have the right to love whoever you want. That's what everyone keeps saying. But somehow, Hide finds it hard to believe them.





	Counting You Face Among the Living

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So I'm a huge HideKane fan, always have been. So I decided to bless you HideKane shippers with angst revolving Hide's confession in chapter 148. Have fun! I might start writing more HideKane from now on! Enjoy!

_You have the right to love whoever you want._ That's what everyone keeps saying. But somehow, Hide finds it hard to believe them.

A soft shade of orange sneak through the dark sky, washing over the city and painting its buildings in a warm color, seeping through the branches of trees and casting shadows down onto the wet ground. Cold rain tapping against the window and sliding down the surface of anything it touches, leaving behind a wet stain, the city noises muffled with the sound of the cloud's crying.

Tears.

Those were the only things that clouds and humans held in common, yet Hide, a human, couldn't bring himself to mimic the clouds. 

He had always been the sun that peaked its bright face out of the dark clouds and spread warmth and light onto everyone around him, as he himself grew warm, until the point of melting, until he's forced to grow and swallow the whole Earth up just to keep himself alive.

Would Hide ever really do that? No. He could bring himself to use anyone he wants to, to trick and lie, to abuse authority, anything. But he could never allow the Earth to die. Why? Because Kaneki was in it. Kaneki has been on this Earth as long as Hide himself, and Hide will keep the Earth alive, keeping Kaneki alive as well. For Kaneki, Hide would allow himself to melt away, even explode if he had to, just to protect Kaneki.

Ken Kaneki, a man just like Hide, the current One-Eyed King, loved by ghouls and hated by humans; a man Hide would serve until the end of time. Kaneki, a ghoul, was Hide's everything. Kaneki was beautiful, he was perfect, intelligent, kind; Hide viewed him as the most perfect being to have ever existed. Hide worshiped Kaneki, he viewed Kaneki as something too perfect to be human; Hide wanted to be around Kaneki, wanted to talk to him, make him laugh and smile, all Hide wanted was Kaneki.

Kaneki.

That ghoul was the reason for all of this, or at least that's what everyone thinks. No one could ever manage to grasp why someone like Hide, so strong and pure, would ever go this far for someone like Kaneki, so imperfect and broken.

_'Why are you willing to go this far from Ken Kaneki?'_

_"Because I_ love him." Hide muttered under his breath.

It had already fallen to night time when Hide realized he was over thinking the situation.

Since when?

Since forever. When they were little, Hide mistook it for childish friendship, blaming his enthusiasm for each skipped heartbeat when their hands touched. When they were in highschool, Hide mistook it for admiration, blaming his finals for all the restless nights he spent, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, after he had just brushed his fingers over Kaneki's when he tried to take the pen from his hand. When they were in college, Hide mistook it for strong brotherly love, blaming the 10+ years they spent together for his heartaches when he was away from Kaneki.

Only at the age of 20 had Hide realized how he truly felt about Kaneki.  _Just friends_ don't wish to cuddle the other,  _just friends_ don't get jealous of pretty girls,  _just friends_ don't throw away their life for the other's smile, but most importantly,  _just friends_ don't imagine feeling the other's lips with their own.

Just friends don't do that.

Hide closed his eyes as he pressed his forehead against the cold surface of the window, the sigh that escaped his lips fogging up the glass and gather back when he breathed in.

He thought about what happened in the sewers.

 

_"Please eat me."_

_Hide placed his hand on Kaneki's shoulder, squeezing it affectionately. Arima was waiting on the other side, and Hide was not about to let Kaneki face him in the shape he was in. He'd throw his life away for Kaneki, even if it meant he gets to live just an hour longer._

_"Ahh?! Gahh! Arrggghhh!! Ehh?" Kaneki continued to toss around, letting out beast-like groans and screams, shaking his head as he stumbled back away from Hide, falling back into the dirty sewer water and splashing it around them "Nonononono! Hide can't be-!"_

_"Kaneki." Hide approached him away, kneeling down to be on the same height as the frightened individual "Listen to me."_

_Even with Kaneki struggling the way he was, Hide stayed close to him. He knew that this could go horribly wrong and he could lose his life in no time. So, this would be the perfect time to tell Kaneki what's on his mind. If he dies, it won't matter. If he lives, Kaneki would still forget the details of this meeting. He had nothing to lose._

_He took in a deep breath and looked at him, his honey eyes hardening "Ken Kaneki, you're not a monster. To me, you're just human. Kaneki, I'm willing to give you my body, because..." he looked away, as if giving it one last thought before he glued his eyes back to Kaneki "Because, Kaneki Ken, I love you."_

_"Ehhhh?" Kaneki let out an ugly groan as he inched around Hide, looking at him as if he were a ghost, mouth gaped and drooling, eyes wide and staring, limbs curling around as he paced around him "Hide loves me? Hidelovesme HidelovesmeHidelovesme-"_

_"It's so embarrassing when you say it like that, you dork!" Hide pouted, reaching out and cupping Kaneki's bloody cheeks in his warm hands, the kakuja mask crumbling away from the loving gesture._

_Hide took this as his chance to lean in and press their lips together. He closed his eyes, tasting blood all over Kaneki's mouth, yet it felt so heavenly to finally get to kiss him. Kaneki even kissed back for a moment, and Hide was sure that they would be fine. The plan will work and they'll live happy lives after this. It was almost too good to be true._

_Because it was._

_Only a moment into the kiss, Kaneki opened his mouth fullest and chomped down onto Hide's body. He bit off a chunk from Hide's left cheek to his chin. Pulling away, Hide fell back, looking up at him with wide eyes. He soon smiled and nodded, crawling back to Kaneki._

_"Eat up."_

_Those were the last words he said before his throat was bitten down on._

 

If only Hide could have been more of use to Kaneki. If only this body of his could act and move in a way Hide commands it to. If he had done something for Kaneki, the ghoul wouldn't have had to turn into this... this thing, they call Dragon. No, if only Hide could have done more, he could have prevented Kaneki from ever becoming a ghoul. They could have been happy now, graduated and working real jobs.

_But I won't fail, not this time._

Kaneki has given Hide hope. Hope that they could be happy together one day. And Hide has been looking forward to that day since he had woken up after being stuck in a hospital for a while. He had imagined their reunion filled with hugs and kisses, both of them remembering the confession and accepting each other the way they were.

But his hope and dreams were crushed. He should have expected it, since Kaneki had never returned his confession. Instead of waiting for Hide, he had fallen in love with a beautiful woman and married, even expecting a child. What a game changer. 

Good for him, but Hide was not feeling as happy as that woman. He wasn't with his love, he wasn't married to his loved one, he hasn't been embraced by the love of his life. All of the things Hide wanted belonged to someone else now.

But Hide was accepting of the fact. Kaneki was happily married. Hopelessly in love.

Or was Hide the only hopeless one here?

Touka and Kaneki were married, that's all Hide knew. They were happy together and that's all he asked for.

But where was his happiness? He didn't care about that. He was completely fine with simply seeing and observing Kaneki's happiness. That's all Hide's wanted from the start, no? Kaneki and his happiness. 

So why? Why can't he bring himself to be happy for his best friend? Was he really that rotten and selfish that he just had to be so empty when his friend is happy without him? 

_It's better this way._

Hide closed his eyes as he lay in bed, tucked under the fluffy blankets, cheek pressed against the soft pillow.

He was expecting too much from Kaneki.

He knew that Kaneki at least loved him as a friend while he was 'alive'. He had always been running to no one but Hide and only ever thought about the blonde.

That should be enough. But why isn't it?

Why did Hide want so much more, from a person so far out of his reach that he'd have a better chance with a random lasbian woman?

Why did it have to be Kaneki?

_Because only Kaneki can make my heart run a mile when I'm with him._

Even if Kaneki wasn't his, Hide promised to protect and serve Kaneki until he end of time. So, even if he doesn't get anything back, Hide will keep giving Kaneki his all until he falls to the ground and never gets up.

Until he's 6 feet underground, Hide will keep breathing on Kaneki's command.


End file.
